Tuesday, January 02, 2007
BREAKING: Ford Pardons Clinton, Stuns Nation's Pundits
This just in: FORD PARDONS CLINTON, STUNS NATION's PUNDITS ELYSIAN FIELDS-- Former President and former human Gerald R. Ford, speaking from his post as a hemi-demi-semi-angel in Heaven, has given a full and free pardon to Bill Clinton "in order to shut up those damned -- and I do mean 'damned' -- idiots currently running the Republican Party." "Hey, a little political harassment is par for the course -- I engaged in it myself with my ridiculous and doomed-to-fail attacks on William O. Douglas, who is now my best heavenly golfing buddy," said Ford, adjusting the angle of the primary feathers in his newly-acquired set of used angel's wings. "But not only is forgiveness an important virtue, as Bill Douglas showed to me, but I'm worried that if the Republicans don't get a new party platform beyond cutting rich guys' taxes, trashing minorities, and dissing Bill Clinton, they're going to be in a world of hurt." Ford's former associates on earth did not appreciate what they describe as his "post life meddling". "We're going to have to take back all the nice things we said about him at his funeral," several pundits and Republicans were heard to say. "We didn't say all those nice things we really didn't mean about him, just to see him turn around and show Christian charity to a Democrat," they fumed.
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